this is a poem i recorded after a huge fight with a former partner and our families. her friends exposed her for cheating, and while confronting her, our family members got into a shoving match which ended in a single slap (between men) and her calling the police. standing there, drowning in absolute despair and rage, now surrounded by police, I looked in her face as she, her sister & mother frantically told the police that I was armed and dangerous (I'm licensed to carry firearms, like most American ppl) and that I had drugs and guns in the house (which wasn't true. well, the drugs part at-least). this activated the police because they were using racist dogwhistles to get them to arrest or injure/kill me, but after they checked me and confirmed that I was unarmed, the police and my family shared a moment of silent disgust, wondering how folk who claimed to love me could flip a switch and try to get my freedom/life taken away, all over one persons embarrassment. because she was so ashamed of her actions and how the community would react, she attempted to sacrifice me to reinforce her victim narrative, which not only tore me apart, but made me reevaluate all the time we spent together, forcing me to acknowledge what so many had already told me. that she never loved me. that she only loved what my position in my community and clout could do for her. she loved having her bills paid, and the trips we took, and the clothes and jewelry i bought for her. she didn't want me, she just wanted validation and attachment, both of which i provided at the cost of my reputation and sanity. this poem is a very human admission of defeat. i didn't know i didn't love myself. i didn't know that i could just "leave" "in a womb, in a tomb, in a body you deserve if the room isn't you, just leave if the bloom they achieve, makes it hard for you to breathe you should be, smart enough to just leave there's not enough fruit on the tree, so i put you over me i'd rather be not, than you not be, simply in a womb, in a tomb, in a body you deserve, if the room isn't you, just leave i'd rather be not, than you not be do you love me or just seek attachment i don't want nobody right now, but every once in a while, you hear the call of the wild, you lost it all in the wild you went out sad and you proud bury your head in the sand and stay away from the culture until you no longer child, until you humble and honest and speaking honestly"